Trying to Navigate

It has been a few weeks since everyone has gone home and I’m trying to navigate life without you. So many things need to be done still. I have family still helping when I need this but still is all very overwhelming. You did so much for us. Trying to remember to do the littlest things can’t accomplish them. Forgetting all the time but i guess part of the grieving process. I have to fix our van and decide what to do with it. Everything breaks my heart you should be here I hate that Disease That took you Crezh Feldt Jacob Disease I HATE YOU!!

First weekend comes no playing this is not our life. I didn’t know what to do with myself miss the crazyiness of loading gear unloading gear and all the in between.

So many things once again come into my head, I cant do this. I have to take of me now not sure how!!!

My Feelings

Well in my head I’m screaming WHY!!!WHY!!! why us ,what did we do that we deserved this. I cry ,cry and cry, This can’t be!! I look in our home its quite and your not here. Have to go to that stupid job that took up so much of my time why didn’t i change this, Too late .

You feel like a zombie. My head is deaf with sound, don’t want to hear anyone and don’t want to talk to anyone but I have to work. Pressure at work why didn’t you do this etc.. just want to scream at you “JUST LOST MY HUSBAND, MY BEST FRIEND- BACK OFF” I couldn’t say this to my boss otherwise he would think I’m not dong my job ( he has already looking to replace me I know it). After work don’t know what to do, just want go to bed so my head can stop thinking.

When you sleep the noise is quite so that is what I want to do, then I get dream of you. I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH YOU ARE MY WHOLE WORLD!!! Why did we all have to lose you.